|
|
|
May 4th, 2006
06:11 pm - Another year....
It's been forever, but with another year coming to an end it's appropriate for me to write. The school year is coming to a close and tomorrow I turn 20.
I've been packing all day-I hate moving. It's so much effort on my part. I've had to move 3 times already and it's getting so old. In packing all of my things, I've come across things from the past year that have made me think so much. Finding old notebooks, journal entries, wristbands, pictures...I just can't believe another year has disappeared from me. Things are so different from how they were at the beginning of the school year, the beginning of the semester, to now. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer without all of these friends that have been so close to me this past year. All my girls, all my boys-life is going to be so different. It pains me to go home, until I think that thankfully-we will all be back next year.
Once I think about going home, I become insanely happy. I miss my family so much but of course, that all becomes normalcy in 2 weeks time. It doesn't seem like the school year is over. Finals flew by barely unnoticed. Now my parents are coming to get me to take me away from my surreal college life, where everyday is a vacation. It's now difficult for me to distinguish what I perceive as my reality vs. surreality. When I am at school, going home is a surreal. It doesn't feel like my home because it is so temporary. When I'm at home, college is this crazy place where I am this independent woman, making my own decisions and working toward my future-which ever path I may take.
The amount of lessons learned far surpass the amount of lessons unlearned. In growing up this year I realized that things don't neccessarily go in the direction you want them to. As much as you may want something to work out your way, your will may not be the best desired. However, the biggest realization advances when you come to terms with the result. Perhaps it may not be what you desired, but usually, it's for the best. This is when God's will is proven. I truly believe that every situation will work itself out in the end. At some point, you are satisfied-at that point, it's the end.
This semester, he has been a big part of my everyday and night life. I went into it unsure and naive to each situation I was put in. When the level of comfort rose, so did my insecurity and coldness of personality. I've learned that closing myself off is the correct approach, to a certain extent. Once that path failed on me, I attempted the nice girl path. Once this failed, I had no idea what to do. There has never been a situation that has made me question my personality and way of being more than this boy. By not having a secure relationship, questions go around in your head of how to act, what to say, how to say it. Rarely is anything said that isn't hurtful. Then, when the whole disaster easter weekend came around, I whirled into this state of sadness that had been building up since day 1. It's one thing to assume things, it's another to have them thrown in your face.
Putting yourself out there is so hard on so many levels. I try never to do anything to show vulnerability because then people can read into you and see your weaknesses. This reasoning has helped me out so much in every situation regarding him, except I never really got to tell him how I did feel. After the incident, everything changed. Emotions, actions, reactions-complete 180 because I had idea how to respond. Before, I had been willing to just say it all and remove the burden. I didn't even have to put myself out there to personally be hurt in the situation. Once one realizes the insignificance of a situation in retrospect, one can put everything behind them. That's how I deal with everything.
I learned, more this year than ever, that if you put things into perspective they can't emotionally scar you. However, they leave you cold. They leave you sad because you block off that part of you that feels. Slowly, that part of you deteriorates and it becomes harder and harder for you to give yourself to anyone emotionally, be it a friend, family, or lover. Once I realized that I was going home in two weeks and everything was going to be different, my attachment and sadness ceased to exist and I wasn't even upset. I've also learned that things happen for a reason-everything comes into place.
I'm going to love being home, but I'm going to miss everyone here.
I'm finally done...haha, back to packing.
|
August 11th, 2005
12:05 am - Great Day, Bad Night
Today I had a really great day. I hung out with my friend Kristin (or Nikki) all day and we went to the mall. I spent money that I don't have and got mad at myself, as usual.
Then I got home and I saw my cousin, he just got a brand new lexus. It's amazing. He's such an inspiration because he was thought to be a lost cause. Now, while he is successful, everyone else he grew up with suffers from poverty, are impregnated, or are dead; and they thought he wouldn't make it.
I was supposed to go out with my friend for her birthday, but somehow I lost track of time. I ended up having to stay home cause it rained anyway, but it turned out to get even worse. My mom and I got into this huge fight, which eventually ended up involving my dad. We argued and I got yelled at, probably for everything they've been holding in all summer. From me not doing chores, to me not setting a good example. Eventually, my dad ended up saying the same hateful things he always doesn't mean to say. Usually, I can ignore and not show any kind of emotion toward anyone. People can say things to me and I could honestly care less. My dad says one negative word and I break down. He says the most cruel things that he knows will get a reaction from me. I guess that's where I get my fascinations of reactions from. I have not felt this low in probably 2 years. Awesome that I'm leaving in about 4 days.
So I truthfully don't know how things will go. Now I'm thinking about leaving and the more I think about it the more I don't want to leave. I hate that I'm leaving with things this way. I feel like no matter what I do, I will never please him. This, in fact is RIDICULOUS because I don't live for anyone. It's not me. Maybe it's just today.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/sad_sy.gif) crushed
Current Music: Postal Service, Such Great Heights
|
August 10th, 2005
11:14 am - So about yesterdays post...
I have this weird attention span thing with boys. None of them really make me want to stick around. I get over things too quickly. For example, the way my infatuations fade the second I'm not looking at a person. Like now. Haha (insert Shari's voice). Too bad so sad.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/happy_sy.gif) i'm sooo funny.
Current Music: Juanes
|
12:42 am - First One!
I've never tried this internet journal thing, so this should really be interesting. Posting details of my life and my emotions is probably a great way of getting things off my chest.
Already I have a problem with the fact that I can't indent my paragraphs. Why is grammar still so important to me if all I take are math classes? Honestly.
Well, here is where I really start. I leave the place I call home in 4 days. I'm going back to Gainesville, the worst place in the world. I truly hope that once I get back, I don't feel this way. I have so much fun there, I have great friends and great times, but when I'm home I am the most happy. I feel that I belong home and I don't know why I chose to go to school so far away. Everyone thinks going to college is great-and honestly it is. I was the poster child of kids that wanted to get away from their parents. Well check me out now, I hate being away from them. However, at the same time I crave knowledge and more experiences. I love school, as much as I complain about it and I plan on working really really hard this semester. I think I'm also going to attempt to get a job. Good luck to me.
On top of all this, I have made a couple grand this summer. I have about $500 to show for it. I am SO irresponsible.
Oh. And there is this boy I can't stop thinking about. Weird right? NOT. I think that this one, however, may end up sticking around for a while. We shall see what this year brings.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/pensive_sy.gif) contemplative
Current Music: Norah Jones
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
melisita05's journal